Here's what started my misguided musings: A comment from an anonymous reader chastising me for "some of the most irrational behavior I've ever heard of." When I read the comment, it really didn't phase me much. Even though, in the remarks, I was also told "you are more than entitled to your pain, but not to your pound of flesh." Eeewww.
My response was extraordinarily eloquent, "DUH!" I know I was nuts! I post all the time about how much I know that!
But, then the black veil of guilt crept in. I let myself fall back into a place of vicious self- doubt.
Why did I do all those cruel things? No wonder Richard fell for a 24 year old, soft spoken hippie chick. He must have been totally sick of my take no prisoners personality! Then, I threw fuel on that fire by becoming Mrs. Hyde for a year! I was a lunatic! For good reason, sure...but SOOOO over the top!
Even though I am well aware that there is nothing good about going backward in your brain, I found myself beginning to withdraw. Not lashing out, but reeling myself in. More than once Richard asked, "Are you OK?" I assured him I was fine. Not so much.
Now, here's where it gets weird. I bought some new lotion at the Nordstrom Anniversary sale. I think I have mentioned how much I love me some Nordstroms!! This particular body lotion is by a company called Philosophy. (can you see where this is going?) The scent is as light as the fresh smell of soap and water. A subtle blend of bergamot, lavender, water lily and jasmine. (Maybe I should write ad copy!) I recently found this 32oz. bottle under the sink in my bathroom. Because I had spent more than I should on that particular day at Nordies, I forgot I bought the stuff. Oops.
I put the big, pump bottle next to my bed. I use it every night. I read the black lettering on the front of the white bottle as I apply the silky, soft, product called "Pure Grace." The company is big on sharing inspired thoughts through their bath & body line...Hence the name: Philosophy.
There is a full paragraph waxing poetic about how walking outdoors and breathing in nature empowers our spirits. Serenity Now prose like that makes me throw up a little in my mouth. BUT...the bottle also reminds me nightly to reflect on the simple blessings of my life. When we do this, we are better able to manage our troubles. We embrace our highest potential...Our Pure Grace.
Who would've thunk it? I am being placed smack dab in the center of the Road Back to Happy by my body lotion! Instead of drifting to sleep with thoughts of the emails Richard wrote to Jaymie or me telling her Dad about all the reasons Jaymie surely needed to attend church more frequently, I have been making a concerted effort to focus on simple blessings.
How much I love to hear my 18 year old daughter sing. The fact that my 14 year old son seems so eager to begin high school. The energy and strength I gain from my dearest friends and the mere fact that Richard and I fall asleep holding hands nearly every night.
Since I read the comment accusing me of "irrational behavior", I was not drifting off to La La Land with the best of thoughts, which can cause the worst of dreams. Then, I found the simple words on the front of a very plain bottle of moisturizer.
I am going to conquer my mental relapse: After I smooth the floral fragrance on, and lay my head on my pillow, I come up with at least 4 simple blessings every night. I close my eyes and focus on how damn lucky I am and the warm feel of my husband's hand. My dreams have been much sweeter.
That might be the blessing I focus on tonight, sweet dreams and how grateful I am for those of you out there reading. Yep. You are truly one of my many blessings.
***An amusing afterthought: I headed for the shower after I finished this post. Inside said shower stall was the Philosophy facial cleanser I also purchased during my spree at Nordies. Until today, I never read the bottle. I don't wear my glasses in the shower so I couldn't have read it even if the thought had previously occurred to me. After utilizing the facial wash, I brought it out and put on my glasses.
At the top, the bottle says: Purity. In the paragraph following....there was nothing I related to at all.