14 months after DDay, in December 2011, I began to use eBlogger to seek solace from my daily agony. Despite my lack of computer tech skills and writing prowess, I began typing about Richard and Jaymie, telling the vile story while laboring to heal myself. Within days of starting to write and staring at my iMac screen, I learned to reach out for empathy and understanding of my suffering. I desperately tried to grasp a life line tossed to me from other generous, compassionate betrayed spouses. The fact that it took me over a year to consider Googling Infidelity highlights my limited cyberspace experience. The thought just never occurred to me. To be fair, my thoughts were otherwise occupied.
Maybe I needed a year of rampage and ruin. There was so much poison in my veins that I required a full year to drain the venom. I wasn't ready to hear from rational people that have walked the recovery road to happy. Until that day in December, I would not have heard their inspirational words.
The blogging world is saturated with stories of infidelity, extensive poetic prose documenting the most personal kind of pain. I started writing A Year After the Affair before I had read a single web page. I was desperate for relief from the gut twisting misery. It felt like a feeble idea at best, but what did I have to lose? Oh, yea...that's right...my marriage.
My heart had been mutilated. I was out of tools in my mental first aide kit. This blog was my remote hope of salvation. The first few posts felt like emotional cutting. Why would I want to relive every excruciating detail?
Here's why...I was deadlocked in despair. I couldn't depend on anyone else any longer. Not the lovely Dr. K, not Dr. N with his bag of synthetic pain blockers and certainly not, Jose Cuervo or Jack Daniels. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, not to mention more angry by the day. Eventually I was gonna run out of places to deposit all that vehemence and then, I feared it would eat away my insides like acid.
Until I started this blog, my big computer achievement was figuring out how to download pics to Facebook. I had no clue cyberspace offered the best support group on the planet? I could have spend thousands on counseling, read every book on adultery ever published and it wouldn't have served me any better. In you, online, I began to heal. I think you guys need billboards erected singing your praises.
So...the purpose of this post is to say "THANK YOU". If you're reading this, Yes! I mean you! The first couple of months, my blog was nothing but the dissection of my life since DDay. Then, in February of 2011, something amazing happened, almost miraculous, really. The clouds parted and a little ray of sunshine peeked through. The ray of light had a name, HOPE. The ray of hope wasn't sent to me from God, but He must have planted the blogging seed in my disheartened head and blogging showed me the path to YOU. YOU brought me into the light of redemption! Saved me from my pathetic self pity party! Can I get an AMEN?? Hallelujah!!
Dang it. I just can't finish a post without goofing a bit. Sorry. This is a sincere post of gratitude. I should finish it as such.
The words grateful, appreciation and thankfulness will have to suffice It's all have. It's quite a family we have here. Family is forever. You all saved my ass. That ray of light gets a bit brighter everyday and I know without you I'd still be wallowing in darkness. Thanks for cranking up the voltage! I don't wanna know where I'd be if I hadn't found you! I shudder to think!
Love you all!