THEN & NOW

Just read the best thread of comments on That age-old question after the discovery of an affair… « Our Journey After His Affair

I won't rehash it all, but you really should go read it.  Once again, that Wayward Spouse Blogger dude was shooting off his mouth about how we, as betrayed wives, need to own some of the blame (seems as if he'd like to toss the lion's share of it into our arms!) for our cheating spouses wayward behavior.  In the thread, 3 betrayed wives, much better writers than I, made eloquent remarks defending our right to deny any blame.  They're words got me thinking....

About THEN & NOW.  How different my life would have been if I knew THEN all I know NOW.   What would I have done if Richard had come to me THEN and told me how he was struggling with getting older?  Would I have been understanding if he had shared that he had met a 24 year old girl that he couldn't get out of his head?  Would I have suggested counseling or would I have shut down and told him to get a freaking grip!?  Hindsight, all it once it is both beautiful and sinister.

The main reason I feel very strongly that the betrayed hold no blame for their partners infidelity is they should have come to us THEN.  THEN is anytime before choosing to go outside the marriage.  THEN is when we should have been given the opportunity to step up and fulfill the unmet needs of our spouses that caused them to cheat.

But, I guess that only rings true if there were unmet needs.  Wayward Blogger is oh, so adamant that is why men cheat...unmet needs.  What about unmet communication needs, Asshole??  (Sorry.  I could delete the name calling, but screw it.  It's my  blog.  I can call it like I see it here.)  Are perfect wives mind-readers?  Should I have been consulting with a psychic to discover my husband wanted more attention?   Damn.  If only I had owned a crystal ball!  I know I could have prevented Richard from jumping Jaymie's bones!!

Ugh.  Wayward Blogger brings out the sarcasm in me.  His arrogance and patronizing tone just chap my bootie.  He's so absurd.
Changing attitude....there, I'm over it.

Beautiful hindsight.  From THEN, we gain perspective.  If we are wise, we are able to learn from past mistakes, never to make the same ones again.  This is where I am NOW.

Sinister hindsight, focusing on the morbid, sordid hideous details of mistakes made THEN.   Wallowing in the negative, dwelling on blame, allowing THEN to prevent a better NOW.  This is where I was for a full year after DDay.

 I still don't have a crystal ball and I can only imagine what would have happened if Richard had come to me THEN.  What I know for sure is Richard never gave me a chance to be there for him THEN.  That's all I really need to know NOW to cast the blame away.  

THEN, Richard and I had lost the communication skills required for a healthy, happy marriage.  He didn't trust me enough to let me in.  He went to a stranger for comfort.  He owns the blame for that decision.  NOW, he vows to always come to me.
NOW, we talk every day, about everything.  No topic is insignificant.  No subject is taboo.  NOW, with the help of beautiful hindsight, our marriage is full of promise and I am grateful for lessons learned.