Happy Easter. Please pardon me as I take a story time-out.
This day and spring itself got me thinking about fresh starts and new beginnings. I want so badly to fully commit to a fresh start with the man that nearly destroyed the person I was pre-DDay.
Can you say TREPIDATION? How about APPREHENSION?
I used to think (do you say that a lot...used to? I do!) vulnerable was a word only applied to weak women. My thinking was those wimpy jelly-fish ladies needed to put on their big girl panties and toughen up!
Spring forward: I now know vulnerable. I've put some serious hours in thinking about leaving myself open to the intense shock and awe of another DDay. I need to morph into a woman that fits as comfortably as possible into the same shoes as the jelly fish ladies. (Not to worry, I NEVER took off my big girl panties.)
If I put it all on the line again, I will be allowing my sensitive heart to play the sitting duck.
The other side of the coin is, same shit, different day. Let me clarify: The only thing different from yesterday or a month ago is now I'm going to face the fact that I'm vulnerable. Throw in the towel. Learn to deal with it! That's my life! I wanna be happy in it so I gotta own it!
It's been less than 18 months since DDay. Some might say that is not nearly enough time to trust your wayward spouse again. I get that. But, I'm pretty sure I'll never trust him completely, or anyone else for that matter, for the rest of my life. I'm proposing a fresh start with a couple of caveats, not to impede my progress, but to give me the confidence to continue.
1. Keep your radar in motion.
We all know what that means. No need to dwell on the past affair (a tall order, I know!), but be damn mindful of future red flags. Trust your gut. As soldiers in the war of adultery, we have earned those acute instincts.
2. Communicate constantly.
I will not miss a chance to let Richard know exactly what I need, what I want and what I expect. We can't expect our wayward spouse to read our minds, even though we wish beyond dreams that we could read theirs.
These two little rules to live by seem simple, but will require I remain vigilant. I want to be in this marriage...really BE IN IT! Do I want my old life back? Nope. Our life is better in so many ways. We talk about our feelings. We are attentive to each others needs. And, of course, there's the sex....hysterical bonding sure can open up the flood gates to passion.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have my fresh as springtime flowers new beginning! To toast the propitious occasion, I'm gonna go bite the ears off a chocolate bunny, really hard, pretend it's Jaymie!!
I know...not really the attitude I need for my Spring Forward plan, so I'll start tomorrow.