Long night. My head hurt a lot, but not nearly as much as my heart. My head was also spinning. Words from the emails I found on Richard's computer were flying around in there. Little bits I had gleened during my brief viewing and some entire paragraphs from the offending emails zoomed into my conscience thought and then right out again, only to be replaced by another sentence professing Richard's love for a skinny ass 24 year old girl that was going to be sucking up a lot of my energy in the next year.
Needed caffeine badly, not that my nerves weren't already firing on all cylinders with out synthetic assistance. As soon as the kids left for school, I carried my tea toward the computer. If you thought I'd never want to read those marriage crushing, life altering emails again, you'd be way wrong. I wanted to analyze every word, every syllable, every letter! The only way I'd be able to comprehend how my husband could jeopardize and disrespect our family in this inconceivable way was to learn all I could about the affair. I mean really...it's like driving by a train wreck. You know you're gonna look!
Richard had other ideas. He had become quite the tech savvy guy during the night.
I realized the emails were gone. Uh, oh. The mood swings from hell are about to be unleashed! From beyond depressed to furious and wrathful before he could even begin to explain why he had deleted them all. More lame excuses!!!
"I couldn't stand to hurt you anymore."
"I thought you were done with them."
"There was nothing worth saving. It all meant nothing!"
How stupid did he think I was? OK....he had managed to hide the bimbo from me for months, spend hours with her, talk and text constantly with her and spend more than one entire night with her...Lord, help me. Why wouldn't he think I was ignorant?
Ask anyone that knows me. They'll tell you, I'm very bright. I'll take a challenge over a cake-walk any day. I AM A SMART WOMAN, Dammit! Just maybe not right at that minute or for another year.
In the matter of marital desecration, my IQ was lowered substantially. Didn't matter what kind of person I was before DDay, after DDay....Toss it all out! Maybe I shouldn't judge others by myself. Maybe you'll be much more clear headed and functional when you discover your spouse has chosen another, but I doubt it...no offense. I've absorbed a mountain of first hand knowledge since then. So many injured spouses that, sadly, have joined the roster of the betrayed, also come to realize, the roller coaster from hell is alien territory, a remote, barbaric island of perpetual confusion. You might have been a Nobel prize winning genius before, but after DDay you're gonna need reeducating. You'll need guidance. You might WANT to conquer this beast alone, but I wouldn't advise it.
The emails were more than precious to me that day. I craved them! I thought I would go insane if I was not able to pick them apart and savor the secrets they contained. I was like a junkie without hope of a fix. Simply put, I freakin' lost it.
A blessing, we live on 9 acres. There was no one close to hear me rail like a banshee at the man who robbed me of the crack I coveted from his in-box. So much screaming! Can't believe I didn't give myself an aneurysm.