I was more child-like in my need for instant gratification than anything else, lots of temper tantrums and acting out. A quick fix for an event that changes your life so suddenly doesn't exist. Educated hind-sight has taught me I should have ignored Jaymie, but the compulsion to learn all I could about Richard's affair buried any of my dwindling common sense.
In my new world, the only thing that mattered was the steady, perpetual stream of questions eating away at my psyche. The quandaries demanded explanations and through those, I anticipated resolution. When I write about my train of (or lack of) thought during those first few months, I'm shaking my head the whole time. The harsh fact is, when you experience DDay, it will require effort of gargantuan proportions to think of anything other than your wayward spouse in the arms of their home wrecker of choice.
My head throbbed with what, where, why, how and when. I medicated with xanax, vodka and wine frequently, but that was a limited fix at best and I DO NOT recommend it. I would have done anything to get the dirt, the details, the whole sordid scoop. Richard had already proved himself to be less than forth coming with the facts of the time he spent with Jaymie and how he really felt about her. I could see no other way to quiet the tsunami in my head than to utilize the whore with first hand knowledge, Jaymie.
My planned phone call to Jaymie had been successful. She sent this soon after we spoke.
It was good to talk with you today.
I'm starting the project of sending you letters. Chronologically, to the best of my ability.
For the betrayed, there is no way to over-state how obsessive the need for answers about the affair will become. From the second you board the coaster from hell, you become an information addict. Sometimes, the questions linger for years because questions that get answered, beget more questions. It's a diabolical curse, a vile circle of torment. You become dependant on a regular fix of new details.
You may be convinced that it will be impossible for you to survive without the entire, unvarnished truth, but I'm here to tell you, the truth can haunt your head even more than unanswered questions. If you're new to the coaster, you won't believe that. No way I would have listened back then. I was an information junkie and I wouldn't find a decent rehab for months.
So, I opened the email and started to shoot up.
show details Sep 8