Getting my Fix

I was flying by the seat of my pathetically, ignorant pants.  I still beat myself up about the many strategic blunders I committed the first year after DDay.  I could forgive myself for the first dozen or so, but as I continue my story you'll see, I wasn't exactly on the fast track to acceptance and recovery.

 I was more child-like in my need for instant gratification than anything else, lots of temper tantrums and acting out.  A quick fix for an event that changes your life so suddenly doesn't exist.  Educated hind-sight has taught me I should have ignored Jaymie, but the compulsion to learn all I could about Richard's affair buried any of my dwindling common sense.

In my new world, the only thing that mattered was the steady, perpetual stream of questions eating away at my psyche.  The quandaries demanded explanations and through those, I anticipated resolution.  When I write about my train of (or lack of) thought during those first few months, I'm shaking my head the whole time.  The harsh fact is, when you experience DDay, it will require effort of gargantuan proportions to think of anything other than your wayward spouse in the arms of their home wrecker of choice.

My head throbbed with what, where, why, how and when.  I medicated with xanax, vodka and wine frequently, but that was a limited fix at best and I DO NOT recommend it.  I would have done anything to get the dirt, the details, the whole sordid scoop. Richard had already proved himself to be less than forth coming with the facts of the time he spent with Jaymie and how he really felt about her.  I could see no other way to quiet the tsunami in my head than to utilize the whore with first hand knowledge, Jaymie.
My planned phone call to Jaymie had been successful.  She sent this soon after we spoke.

Hi Shawn,
It was good to talk with you today.
I'm starting the project of sending you letters. Chronologically, to the best of my ability. 
- Jaymie

For the betrayed, there is no way to over-state how obsessive the need for answers about the affair will become.  From the second you board the coaster from hell, you become an information addict.  Sometimes, the questions linger for years because questions that get answered, beget more questions.  It's a diabolical curse, a vile circle of torment.  You become dependant on a regular fix of new details.
You may be convinced that it will be impossible for you to survive without the entire, unvarnished truth, but I'm here to tell you, the truth can haunt your head even more than unanswered questions.  If you're new to the coaster, you won't believe that.  No way I would have listened back then. I was an information junkie and I wouldn't find a decent rehab for months.
So, I opened the email and started to shoot up.


 to rich
show details Sep 8
I'm assuming that you won't be getting this tonight.. I'm hoping this will be the first thing you see when you get into the office. Sitting in your chair. The chair that I straddled you on. And laughed as we fell to the floor. And then you directed me back to the couch...

I loved that you searched the couch for my earring on your knees, with your hands running along every crevice. And when you finally found my treasure you rejoiced. And still now it's hiding safe and secretly within your clothes. I love you. You love me the way I want to be loved... because you cherish every thing.

I told you that today I was sorting through some difficult heart matters. There doesn't even have to be anything wrong.. just an absence of right. 

But between Josh and I, there has been wrong done. And it's all only now coming to the surface. During August, I've slowly let myself see the hurt he caused me. Actually, today around 5:15, I made a list. Rich, it filled the whole page. 

I've run out of trust for him.
He was so subtle and I was able to keep my own love alive by adding my positivity and happiness and hope. He had me fooled. And his lies started collapsing over these last 5 months. 

I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to say this much. And I care that you probably have something important you should be working on right now (if it is the morning.) I want you to have the whole picture. I want you to know where I'm coming from. Because you make me so happy. When I answer the phone and I hear your voice I can feel vibrations coming out of you and our hearts filling and expanding and overflowing with love. My hope is alive. Despite everything, I believe in love. Only after coming into your light did I see how malnourished my heart was. Of course there were times of happiness. I've always felt very connected to him. He knew how to read me and could use it to his advantage. But I want to trust you. You are easy to trust. When you told  me I was your first priority, I knew it was true. I know you can read me easily too, but it's because our souls match. If I reached these realizations alone without you, I'd probably be scared and crushed. But instead, I feel like a bird that was let out of a cage. I know you want to help me. And that you love me for who I am.

I intended to sit down and write you a nice, wonderful letter. But more than that, I wanted to share what was really on my heart. I can't deny you, even if this is more than you requested. And I didn't want to spend our time tomorrow talking about burdens. 

It is now after midnight and I am tired. I'm excited to see you tomorrow. Every day has been feeling like the day before christmas because I know I'll be talking to you in the morning.  Thank you for your last email... it warmed me and exposed the surface of my heart. I wish there was nothing separating us. But I'm content to be so close to you.