The REAL Truth

About a month after DDay, the wheels came off the coaster from hell and the car I was in almost flew right off the horrific track, hurling me to my demise.  Seriously, after I found the emails, I thought my life was over.  Life, as I knew it, was over, without any shadow of a doubt.

I was cooking dinner for my 97 year old grandpa.  Dearest man alive.  He was working with Richard trying to fix our chain saw.  I know, 97 and repairing our chainsaw...Crazy, right?  Grandpa is not only the dearest man alive, he is also one of the most amazing.  Anyway...Richard had left his computer open.  He had been making his laptop available to me as per instructions from Dr. K.  Cheaters learn in therapy that for the betrayed spouse to heal, there must be total transparency.  Richard, unlike many wayward spouses, had been more than willing to accommodate me.  I put dinner in the oven and thought I'd take a peek.  Up until then, I hadn't really dug, just sort of glanced.  Remember, I was living in Lovers La La Land, my own personal version of the FOG.  Richard had previously shown me some emails that he exchanged with Jaymie.  The ones I had seen to date were very vanilla.  He was careful, or so he thought.  I was about to find the emails that were of a more exotic flavor.

Went to his office email.  Searched Jaymie.  Nothing.  Went deeper into deleted files and VOILA, found the hard truth.  The REAL truth, not Richard's version of the truth. Truth I had suspected all along.  This was "Fog" truth, but that did not make it less real.  My understanding of this discovery was that Richard had been lying to me since DDay.  More lies.  Another layer of shock.  If you're gonna look, you should be prepared for what you'll find, however I can't imagine what would prepare you for this.

I found the mother load of heart wrenching, marriage shattering, breath stealing, mind bending, soul melting lies on the screen of a laptop.  My eyes wouldn't focus, probably because they instantly filled with tears as soon as I saw the first email from Richard to Jaymie that said, "I love you, Jaymie.  You make me feel things no one ever has before."  And, that was one of the easier emails to read out of the repulsive pile.

My Grandpa was here!  I could NOT lose it in front of him!  Dashed for the Xanax and sauvignon blanc.  Gotta chill.  Gotta keep it together.  Breathe, for God's sake!  I thought the first morning when I found the phone records that verified the affair, was the worst day of my life, but this revelation sent that morning to a distant second on the worst days of all time meter.

After I medicated myself, I started to scan the extensive list of emails.  I knew I didn't have much time.  I had only been trying to absorb the idea that my husband was in love with someone else for a minute or two when Richard walked in.  He instantly knew the ugly, REAL truth of his relationship with Jaymie had been discovered.  His face froze in a mask of abject terror.  I looked back at him in utter disbelief and with no hope left for our future together.

A few ineffective words dribbled from his mouth.
"I never wanted you to see those."
"Oh, my God.  I'm so sorry."
"Please let me explain."
He was probably thinking, "How in the hell could I be so stupid and computer illiterate?  I deleted those fucking things!  How did she find them??"

Told him to shut the fuck up!  "We can not do this now.  Get out.  Leave me alone.  I will not let this hurt my Grandpa!"  And, then a bit calmer, "I'll let you know when its time for dinner."
Good for me!  Self-control!  I don't even think the Xanax had kicked in yet!  Shut the computer and went in to check on the dinner that I could not possibly eat after reading words of passionate romance from MY husband to her, like these:


 to Jaymie
show details Sep 9
I want you to know some things:

I love you and I want you to be happy. As amazing as Friday was, the days since have been even better. Your words, your voice, your texts, your emails, your pictures have added an unforeseeable dimension of excitement and joy to my life.  I can see what I have given you as well. You have never looked prettier and I believe you have never been happier. When you said today you were frustrated, felt tension and pain in your neck, I felt terrible for you. I don’t want you to feel that way. I want you to feel the way I have made you feel over the last week. I want to be free, easy, unburdened. I want you to live every day at your maximum potential in all areas – physical, emotional, mental.  I want you to feel sexy all the time. Soon you and I will both return to being effective on our routines and in what we do.  I understand you are going through turmoil now and I want you to know that I will support whatever happens.  I will listen, but I will not judge. I will encourage, but I will not demand; I will guide but I will not control.

I know we will be together forever anyway.  So this is not about me. It is about you being happy and feeling free and good without burdens.

I love you.

He sent her this just two days after the first time they had sex in his office.  Almost every email or text contained words of deep, undeniable love, a love he had never felt before, a love without question, a love worth risking his entire married life.  Inside my heart and soul were disintegrating.  On the outside, I smiled and called the kids and Grandpa in for some homemade baked mac & cheese.