A Poem

A Poem

Last night I Drummed for a while, then let my body move in ways that felt very Grounding and Balancing.  And I sang in some weird language that comes to me sometimes, and remembered how my daughter spoke that same language clearly to me on the day she was born, for a long time....Then I thought, UH OH, I'm letting myself Go....passing once again beyond the bounds of "Normal".. OH that curse of "Normal" that has chained so many souls for so long...when we are each a unique song that MUST be sung. And it occurred to me how it's judgments that are made against us through time, that squelch our Spirits, our Light. And I realized how we learn to strive for this and that..... but really all we should strive for is to be True to our own souls.. Dance our unique dance, sing our unique song, and paint our own unique Dream...  Then I wrote the poem above....

The Garden Gate

The Portal to Abundance

I love this Garden Gate. We made it out of an old palette we got behind the lumber store, (I think we have 4 pallette gates here, we'll have a lot more before summer), and we made the post from Alder off the land here.  I love the mushrooms.... and here is the lesson learned: Never set temporary posts in Concrete... Fine, OK...I finally got that. I think we can get maybe 3 more good years out of this Gate... I think the mushrooms are medicinal too.... Tea?

OK, so it's still January... and we heard the first Frog of the year already, at least two months early..
And the flowers are already starting to bloom. Primrose and Forsythia and the Flowering Plum...what the heck is going on?


Plum Tree


And the Daffodills are getting tall and the Iris's also, even though the chickens and dogs have thrashed them.

Take alook at one of the Chive Family's... Wow!

As you can see this flower bed has been thrashed by dogs and chickens and goats...one of our Spring projects is fencing in our front and a back yard and the garden below.But just look at how tall the Iris's are and the Daffodills....... sure seems early..... It'll be so nice to have some "private" areas where we can beautify things without the animal destruction...

So today we had a lot to do, but then the sun came out, and it was warm and beautiful.... So I asked Taryn if she'd like to go out for a while, and we leashed up Brandy and Bree and took all the goats up the Hill. By then the sun was behind coluds, but it was really nice.  I'll add a little video I took, once I figure out how.  It was so nice to see the Sun... and bask in it.....

The Moments to Remember

There are so many great moments being a mom. My own mother used to tell me how fast time goes once you get "older," and I suppose I'm officially there now that I see my little Ean growing so quickly before my eyes. When he awoke early yesterday morning and joined me in our bed, I lay there thinking about all the wonderful memories these last 20 months. I could see the frame of his body against the glow of the rising sun through our window, and it prompted me to start this list of things I hope to always remember:

1) The first time I saw Ean on the ultrasound and could make out the shape of his eyes and nose. I can still see it in my mind when I look at him asleep.

2) The glow in his eyes and his big smile

3) His first words, Momma, lights, Dadda, agua....and now we're on to ninos, bear, cat, car, keys, gracias, thank you, please, bird, choo-choo, shower, stairs, leche....it's amazing how quickly children learn!

4) He loves to read books and now proudly sits on the couch with a stack to read by himself.

5) The awe of his stare out the window watching every move of the birds, the squirrels, sky, and cars driving by.

6) The laughter in our car every time he sees the "mailmo" or otherwise known as mailman. He yells for him. Ha!

7) The sound of pitter-patter on our hardwood floors as he runs from spot to spot exploring, being chased, or just making himself laugh.

8) His love for bano or bathtime!

9) The excitement on his face when he sees the garage door open and knows that Daddy is home.

10) When he yells "yes" on Bluetooth when we're calling Daddy in the car. He could probably make a call on his own now. Ha!

11) His proud announcement of "poo-poo" as we try to teach him to use the potty. He tells me 10 times a day!

12) The love and fascination he has for being outside.

13) His love for "order" - ha, guess he got something from his Momma.

14) He can now feed himself with a spoon and is fiercely independent, so no touching his bowl!

15) He knows how to work his Mommy and Daddy - watch out teenage years.

16) The sweet sound of his voice when he says "Amen" after we say a prayer.

17) His innocence as he gets close to the fence to explore the doggy next door to only be frightened by the loud bark. He cries and says "Woo -woof".

18) The big smile and "Momma" I hear when I pick him up from his bed.

19) The memories of the hard journey we had when he was first born as he lay there with tubes, monitors, etc....compared to where he is today.

20) And my most favorite moment when we make "pop-porn" that is popcorn! He gets his own bowl from the cabinet and the two of us sit on our couch to eat. We toss in several pieces shrug our nose and give eachother big smiles after every single bite!

I am so thankful for our little Ean - the person he is becoming and the best job I have ever had - being his mommy!

Where is your security?

When Carlos asked me last night if I missed work, I realized that I haven't one bit. What I have missed is the security it gave me and our family. Now, in Week 4:), I can see how I had given so much power to my career. I am thankful, that as things have been aligning internally, that my security now rests in Christ. Granted, there is a place for work, but it should not be the center of life. This season of change for our family has been immensly transforming.

For now, we continue to ask with expectancy for provision and clarity for our future. I LOVE being a mom, and I can't wait to bring home a new addition to our family from Ethiopia. I feel confirmed that God has put Africa on our family's heart. As we continue to pray about where all this will lead, God's vision for orphans is deepened in us. Will we move overseas? How will our family be involved with orphans? Why is it that we dream about it and get confirmation all around us? What's next?

Never the Same

Have you ever had a sense that things would simply never be the same? That's how I feel this week, that is "Week 3" (after leaving my job). The best way to describe this season is "re-entry." God has given me so much through this time. He's blessed me with space to really feel and allow His work in me. That is, for me to embrace the person He's created....a love for people, and deep empathy for orphans, and a heart of intercession. It's as if I've been on the mission field without ever leaving my house. So, how do you "re-enter" your life and those that have known you "prior?" That's where my heart sits today.

Finally - Under the Wing!

"I will not leave you orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

Week 2 - So, what is God up to? I am increasingly excited about getting the details moving with adoption. I reached out to friends that used to go to our church to learn about their adoptive daughter from China. She has special needs which is really encouraging us to pray through the exact child that God has for us. I am truly amazed at how I've longed for community these last few years, and now God is bringing it through adoptive families. What a blessing.

I was showing Ean yesterday where Ethiopia is on our world map so he can understand how far away it is and just how miraculous God is to potentially unite us with a little one so many miles away. We pray daily for this child and to prepare Ean for being a big brother:)

Yet, this afternoon, I'm sad. I met with my sister today to help map out plans for my dad's care. Unfortunately, his Alzheimer's is getting worse, and we have to consider every option for his care. Very hard. I think more than anything our conversation hit a chord in me about my dad. We both share in our "distant" almost non-existent relationships growing up with our Father. In fact, I think it likely pushed us both in directions we might not otherwise have been - that is pursuing fulfillment in our soul for what a Father should meet. In a way, this scripture spoke to me not only on the level of adoption but also with regards to feeling "Fatherless" at times in my childhood and especially now as my dad's memory is deteriorating. How much I long to be "adopted" myself...

Is anything to hard for the LORD? No! Genesis 18:14

Can you imagine how Sarai felt when she found out she was pregnant? I can't. I can't even imagine how foolish she would have felt telling her friends and family. Would they think she's lost it?! I think I would. So, today, I wrestle with God on how foolish I may look to some in my life. I'm hopeful. I'm at peace (more than I've ever been in my life) and there is no other explanation other than Christ. I couldn't make myself feel it or even try to fake it for my loved ones. So, I am excited. I can't imagine what's next for us if He's already done so many amazing things these last few months and especially when I think how far we've come with Ean. I am so thankful for this time with him. He's growing so fast. We went today to visit Mother's Day Out programs and I couldn't help but cry. I'm am so excited for the person he's becomming. Funny, I cried when I saw the little backpacks on the wall and their sleep mats. Man, I'm a mess:) But, a happy one! So, I'm posting this pic of "BE" baby Ean shortly after he came home with his friend Bear who faithfully stayed with him while he was in ICU.

The First Week

So, I've been asked this week how I feel now that I'm not working. In part, I'm sad to leave the friendships. I think that it took going through this to realize how much the personal aspect of my job means to me. I often overlooked people to "get the project done," and I'm thankful that God has been gracious to reveal it to me. So, that in whatever I do next, I will really treasure those relationships. In the meantime, I will savour all the conversations, lunches, etc. with those that I used to work with.

It's been a little weird this week. Part of me really enjoys being mommy. That is, afterall, what I am first! I am relishing the small things with Ean - shopping for dinner, laughing at the park, seeing him grow in his classes first hand, and celebrating every new word he learns. In a way, I believe this is God's way of giving back what I lost in the first few critical weeks when we were in ICU.

So, we wait to see what comes next for us.